Dude Off of White Chicks Walking Funny
Heather Vandergeld: Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills.
Megan Vandergeld: It's the Beverly Ho-Billies.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Squeeze me?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, no, you didn't?
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] I'm sorry, but um... we just saw your new video. Yeah, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office
[laughs]
Marcus Copeland: A klept-ho-maniac!
[laughs]
Megan Vandergeld: [arrogantly] Your mother shops at Saks.
Marcus Copeland: [indignantly]
[as Tiffany Wilson]
Marcus Copeland: What?
[the Vandergeld Sisters proudly do siss-fingers]
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Oh, my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, OK?Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!"
Heather Vandergeld: Well, yeah? Your mother's so stupid she exercises when she could just get, like, liposuction or something!
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this:
[blows powder from hand, and everyone laughs]
Heather Vandergeld: Your mother is so, like... She's so...
[to Megan]
Heather Vandergeld: Megan, you go!
Megan Vandergeld: Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad. 'Ni-coise' salad, right?
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America!"
Latrell Spencer: Oh, the deception. The betrayal. Man, you deceived me.
Marcus Copeland: Look, man...
Latrell Spencer: Negro, please. Didn't anyone tell you that this was an all-white party, huh? Someone get this jiggaboo away from me.
Marcus Copeland: I don't see why I gotta go out with Buffy the White Girl Slayer.
Marcus Copeland: Look, King Kong. Why don't you take you and your "1980 pick-up lines," climb all the way up to the top of the Empire State Building, beat on your big old monkey chest, and then jump off? Excuse me.
Lisa: Hi, I'm Cellulite Sally, look at my huge ba-donkey. Don't forget about me, I'm Backfat Betty. Now who could have said that? Oh, yeah, it's Tina the Talking Tummy.
[cries]
Lisa: I can't even wear a short skirt and a top without looking like a fat pig.
[gives dog to hotel clerk]
Marcus Copeland: Take good care of him. Oh, and teach him how to say "Yo quiero Taco Bell". 'Kay?
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson]
[Brittany comes the dressing room with an outfit]
Kevin Copeland: How about this?
Lisa: [Sobbing] You bitch, that's so terrible!
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] OK, I'm going to go get help, OK? You need professional help.
Lisa: [Sobbing] OK! OK!
Kevin Copeland: [as Brittany Wilson] Dr Phil!
Lisa: I'm Carnie Wilson before my gastric bypass surgery.
Kevin Copeland: This one goes with your skin tone.
Lisa: Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean.
[shouts]
Lisa: Whoo.
[Kevin and Marcus approach the desk at the hotel, disguised as Brittany and Tiffany, respectively. "Brittany"'s fake breasts knock over multiple items on the desk]
Kevin Copeland: Sorry. Um... um... They're new. Dr. Dorfman did an *amazing* job.
Marcus Copeland: [squeezes "Brittany"'s breast] They feel *so* real.
Agent Jake Harper: Hi. I, I, um... I need a credit card, please. And, and some I.D., please.
Kevin Copeland: ["Brittany" takes "her" I.D. out of "her" handbag and realizes it has Kevin's information and photo on. "She" quickly thinks and acts offended] Credit card? I.D.? I'm *so* freakin' pissed*! First of all, I go to Dr. Dorf and he totally messes up my nose job. I ask him to make me look like Gwyneth Paltrow... I get off the surgery table looking like freakin' *Shrek*! Then I get *here*, and Mr. *Harper* makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with fake boobs going to a Hugh Hefner party!
Agent Jake Harper: No, I-I didn't mean to offend you; it's just, it's... it's protocol!
Kevin Copeland: I'm gonna have a B.F.!
Marcus Copeland: Oh, my God... She's gonna have a bitch fit!
Agent Jake Harper: No, no, no, d-d-don't have a-a-a B.F. now.
Kevin Copeland: I wanna speak to your supervisor! Better yet, I'm gonna write a letter!
Marcus Copeland: [to Harper] You are in *big* trouble!
Kevin Copeland: [Agitated, "Brittany" grabs a pen and a sheet of paper and starts writing] Dear... Mr... Royal... Hampton. I... am... a... *white*... woman... in... America.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: [appears] Ladies, is there a problem here?
Marcus Copeland,Kevin Copeland: Yes.
Agent Jake Harper: No! Sir, no, no, there's... there's no problem.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: These are two of our VIP guests. Issue them keys. Immediately.
Agent Jake Harper: [nods nervously] Yes, sir.
Marcus Copeland: [to Harper] V. I. P. Learn your acronyms, okay?
Kevin Copeland: [to Gordon after he hands the "girls" room cards] What a sweetheart!
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: Enjoy your stay.
Kevin Copeland: Has anyone ever told you you look *just* like Denzel Washington?
Section Chief Elliott Gordon: [laughing] Yeah, actually I have heard it once... or twice.
Kevin Copeland: What a beautiful chocolate man! Beautiful!
["Brittany" and "Tiffany" walk away giggling; Gordon and Harper exchange puzzled looks]
Kevin Copeland: Forget him, Marcus. We can do this ourselves. Look, all we gotta do is--is--is...
Marcus Copeland: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. "We?" Kevin, this ain't about "we." It's never been. It's about you. You come up with some stupid idea and I'm dumb enough to go along with it. And look where it's gotten me, Kevin. I just lost my wife and my job because of you. So don't tell me about "we" no more, all right?
Party Boy: Don't hate me 'cause you ain't me!
Kevin Copeland: [the Wilson Sisters get off the private jet and walk over to the arrival terminal, toward Kevin and Marcus] Hi, I'm Kevin Copeland...
Tiffany Wilson: [rolling her eyes at them] We already *gave* to the United Negro Fund!
Brittany Wilson: Yeah!
[They continue walking]
Kevin Copeland,Marcus Copeland: [in unison] Excuse us. Whoa-whoa-whoa! Hold on, hold on!
Kevin Copeland: Hold on!
[explaining to them their actual task]
Kevin Copeland: We're actually here to escort you ladies to The Hamptons.
Tiffany Wilson: Oh!
[hands them their bags]
Tiffany Wilson: The bags are on the plane.
Brittany Wilson: [gives Kevin her dog carrier, with their dog, Baby] Here, take Baby and clean out his bag. Oh, my God. He didn't have his colonic, and he, like, pooped everywhere!
[Baby, the dog, yaps]
Marcus Copeland: [Marcus emerges from the boot of the car, covered in the Wilson Sisters' luggage] Man! You guys sure got a lot of bags for a weekend!
Brittany Wilson: [scoffs] This isn't *a* weekend!
Tiffany Wilson: It's *the* weekend!
Brittany Wilson: Labor Day in The Hamptons. The last weekend of the social season. Like, only the hottest people are going to be there.
Tiffany Wilson: And only the hottest of the *hottest* are going make it onto the cover of "Hamptons Magazine"! And this is *our* year!
Brittany Wilson: [squeals] Yay!
[to Kevin, driving the car]
Brittany Wilson: Uh, open the window. Baby likes a little fresh breeze.
[Kevin opens the window]
Brittany Wilson: I just hope the Vandergeld Sisters' private jet *crashes* on the way there!
Tiffany Wilson: [shocked] Oh, my God, Brittany!
Brittany Wilson: [to Tiffany] You were thinking it!
Tiffany Wilson: [to Brittany] I know, but you *said* it!
Brittany Wilson: I know, I know!
Tiffany Wilson: And you, know, Heather totally *hates* you because you slept with her boyfriend.
Brittany Wilson: Oh, my God! So what? I sleep with *everyone's* boyfriend!
Megan Vandergeld: These starving kids in Africa make me so sad. They don't even have to try to be skinny!
Lisa: [of Megan's video] I so could have done that part. She doesn't even have herpes.
Karen: You spend all day trying to the perfect outfit. You even change your hairstyle just so he'll take a second look. But they never notice. Sometimes l just wish that they could trade places with us... so that they would know how it feels.
[dressed as Tiffany Wilson, Marcus and the girls lay peacefully on a sunny beach]
Tori: I am so glad I got waxed today.
Karen: Ugh, me too. What did you get?
Tori: The Bald Eagle.
Karen: I got the Bermuda Triangle.
Lisa: The Landing Strip.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] I got the Buckwheat.
Karen: Eww, that's sick.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Ahh, what a beautiful sunny day!
[shadow falls over body]
Marcus Copeland: Oh my God, what happened to the sun? Ahh!
Latrell Spencer: Easy white chocolate, I wouldn't want you to melt.
Marcus Copeland: [as Tiffany Wilson] Yeah, hasta la vista Schwarzenegro. Okay, bye.
Karen: Oh my god, you guys. Heath is here. What should I do?
Tori: Karen, I don't understand what you see in him. He's an out-of-work actor living in a share house. And he drives a 3 Series BMW.
Karen: Tori, I really think that you need to cut Heath a little bit of slack. His aunt died three years ago and he really needs new headshots. He's just going through a really rough time right now. Okay?
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0381707/quotes/qt0236950
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